I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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