1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
