Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
