We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
