drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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