my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
