Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
