very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
