saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
