I don't usually arrange sex via text message
we're chasing vodka with high fives
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
