I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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