That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
