I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
