genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
