please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
