i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
