Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
