I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
