tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
