Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
