omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
