Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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