you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
