dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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