Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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