Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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