I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
