I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
