You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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