so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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