dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
accomplished twins. life is a go
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
