I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Send help, water and tortillas.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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