I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
tell me about the fingering
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