No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
