Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
