I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...