wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
