yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
