My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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