You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
there is glitter all over my balls
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
