My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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