I feel like I'm in dance class right now
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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