I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
