Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
