You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
