my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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