i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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