How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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