I will die if light touches me.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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