u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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