he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
