I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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