i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
