Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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