listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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