Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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