are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
