I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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